"Love love love.. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing."
That is what I always thought back then.
All I care about is myself, I thought I was smart & matured enough to realize what is happening. I never loved anyone that is surrounding me every single day. I thought I'd understand things and why it happened. I tried my hardest to comprehend with the fact that people are telling me. I was independent, I acted strong but no one realize my weakness, and even I don't realize how weak I was, and every time I break down I always feel as if I'm on the gutter. Which is why I never cared anyone but myself and what I wanted, then It all hits me. Do I care about myself so much because I love myself, or was I just too insecure in things and all I wanted was to be the best that I could be? Though I always felt that, I was still happy with the friends that is around me. Then after I graduate High School I begun to know the meaning of infatuation.
I always thought I was in love. Maybe I was but I felt like infatuation was over powering the relationship. I was slowly drifting from being a spoiled brat to actually caring for someone who's not even my family member. I was happy. I was satisfied. We we're excited with things. Lust and Love was there. But never did I understand him. I still was a spoiled rotten brat but I was trying to change for him. Until many months had past I learned to love him, that was according to my brain. I never want to let him go. I was paranoid with things. I was scared that everyone is leaving slowly in my life. I never really care about him. It was all about me and my feelings, I tried to understand but it hurts. I loved him way too much, and It's not even considered as Love. It was Obsession.
I was Obsessed not with Love but with Him. I was scared that he will do it just like my dad did and leave me. I had personality disorders which doesn't help at all. Love is an amazing feeling, pero kung anu at gaano ang kasarap nito sa pakiramdam, ganon din ang sakit na babawi pag ikaw ay nasaktan. I showed him everything that I'am. He knows everything and anything there is about me. When I'm mad, I'm really mad. When I'm sad, I'm really sad. When I'm happy, indeed I was well happy. And that is love. Too much love to be exact. Which hurts even though you're happy. Which hurts even if you're calm. And much more when you're mad/sad. I gave too much and I forgot about myself. I needed space but all I felt was emptiness. He was all I have nothing more. I was in a rush with things but I know to myself that it's not right.
But then it all came crashing down..
After 9 months of loving it all crash down. We broke up. I tried to get him back for 2 weeks straight. 2 weeks straight I was on the phone calling him, chatting with him. Sending him text messages, asking him to meet up with me so I could fix this but everytime I do all I get is rejection. It hurts getting a rejection. Maybe not from other or random people but If the one you really love gives you rejection it will always hurt, but It's not just one rejection; I was rejected every single damn time. I knew to myself that he still loves me and he wanted me to prove that I love him too. But It was hurting me because I don't feel the same anymore. I was slowly drifting apart from everything and It hurts so much to act strong. How long could I prove you that I still love you. Ayokong umabot sa puntong mawala na ang lahat. Sa sobrang pagbaba ko sa sarili ko mawala na ang tunay na ako. Mawala na lahat ng ako. Paano ko matututunan mahalin sarili ko, kung buong buhay ko binigay ko na sayo. I wasn't able to go to school for a week straight. I was crying every night until morning. That was my very first time to be depress that badly. I never ate for 3 days straight because apparently I never felt the hungerness and pain of my stomach because the pain of my heart overpowering all senses of my body. It sounds like a quote from a poem but It was true. But then I told him I gave up. He told me not to because he loves me. Apparently for me it wasn't enough. Too much downess and trying to get him back turns out slowly my love for him was fading that time, that's why it hurts even more. I gave up.
Then one day this girl texted me and told me my boyfriend cheated on me on the first/second month of our relationship that he was having an affair with her. Which hurts because she was my friend. I didn't know what to do. I fucking treated her nice, though her friends were mad at her I still managed to parang pagtanggol pa siya. Now I felt like I did the wrong thing. My question is why does she has to say it right now, why right now? Why not back when habang kami pa? Bakit mismong breakup pa ikaw eeksena? I trusted him, I trusted her. I trusted them. I knew to myself that he would do such things that is why I became so protective, but unfortunately too much accusation made him mad or rather dissapointed in me for not trusting him, that is why even though it's hard, I trusted him. Then I became comfortable for one moment. But then It all happened. I tried to make myself busy but it hurts. I texted him and told him about it. He was sorry. But everything he tells me isn't enough. Everything that is happening is not enough. It hurts much more. Not just the fact that he cheated but the fact that ginago niya ako. Nawala ng tuluyan tiwala ko. Ang mga panahon na akala ko masaya ako bigla kong narealize na hindi pala. Nagmukha lang akong tanga dahil madami palang may alam nito. Ginago pala ako ng dalawang makating mga hitad na to. I cried my heart out all over again. Every time I remember him and the way he cheated on me, reminds me of what my dad did with my family. Which brings the pain much more. Doubles the pain and the tears. I talked to my mom about it, and she told me "Now you realized what It feels like when your dad left me. Which is much more cruel because we were married for 10 years." That was also the time where I cried my heart out because that is when I realize my love for my dad. It was the same pain that he and my dad gave to me which made me lost my trust for everyone. I prayed to God everyday to help me get things better and everything will be alright, and I asked him, Is this what love supposed to feel? I thought It was all about happiness but I guess I was a complete fool. It was my first break up & first heartbreak. After several days I was numb. I drank tequilas and alcohol every night just for me to feel something, because I really needed to feel something because It hurts to feel numb. I'd rather be mad than to feel numb. It feels like your mad or sad. You wanted to cry so badly but something is holding back. That is what numb felt like to me. Several days past. I learned to forgive him, well that was I thought at first. We tried to start things over and It hurts at first. Time last and I tried to forget everything.
I forgot about everything that happened. I learn to forgive but not forget. So I think I don't consider that as forgive if you don't forget right? Time passed by, I learned to love myself and him (I think) but I feel like It is not the same as it was before. Maybe I wasn't used in not loving too much?
Bottom line is that I was doubting my feelings through out the past 10 months of our relationship, and then I came to the conclusion that in I was truly madly in love.
For now, I'm trying to get things back normal. I don't know If I still and will love him if he ever cheat on me again. For now all I know is that I love him enough for me to be happy. I really don't know yet If It's because he's all I got, or I'm just afraid of being alone. But yeah, I just let things fall to the way it will suppose to fall. All I think about is now, not the future and the past. But what I'm feeling now. If I ever get hurt in the near future I'll accept it and move on. That is what life suppose to be. Nagmahal lang ako. But then again, I still tend to think about the future. I'm still a kid. We're both still a kid. Not by how we look, but in our heart indeed we are. Nagbibinata palang siya, at ako'y nagdadalaga. And sometimes I feel like in a need to let him go, maybe because I'm still scared. Or my feelings is not the same. All I know is we still need to grow up, before having a serious relationship because Ibelieve we're still young, he is still young and hasn't even realize and done half of the things I have done. Lalo na ngayon, he's on college. Things are bound to happen. Things are starting to happen. He needs to realize to have fun first at a young age, where I had fun. I'm much ahead of him by that part so I guess I don't want to spoil all it for him. He needs freedom before going in a serious relationship. Kasi kung bata ka pa, bigla kang sasabak sa isang relation na katulad nito, mahihirapan ka sa bandang huli dahil ito ang panahon mo para magsaya. Hindi mo magagawa yun habang andito pa ako na laging magtatali sayo, buong buhay mo nakatali ka na sabay darating ako kukunin ko pagkafreedom mo ngayon tumanda ka na sabay itatali din kita. He's not ready for a love that he always say. Maybe for now he is, but I'll give him until 3rd year College. Doon nagsisimula ang lahat, and believe me with a bunch of friends like that I doubt it he'll become faithful. My trust for him is lost and I don't think It would be coming back much sooner.
The thing about love is that It's very complicated to understand. Love is not all about happiness. It's composed of many feelings.
Love is about madness, sadness and happiness.
That is Love all about. If you can't take Love then you're not worthy to receive Love and to Love. It's about forgiveness. It's not just about you, It's about the two of you, the relationship between him and you. Or your family. Sacrifices, If you really love them you'll sacrifice. Time & Communication, In order to stay close to each other if in relationships but sometimes I believe if you really love the person, even If you don't talk to them for a very long time you'll still manage to love them. Understanding, both person need to understand one another to avoid arguments. Trust, without trust there is no love. Freedom, It's not all about you, learn for him/her to live his life on his own and not commanding him/her what to do. Madness/Sadness, Is needed sometimes in a relationship to show how your love for each other is strong enough. And most of all; Happiness, Happiness is Love. Learn to be happy with him/her and to be contented on things. If you're not happy anymore with your relationship or partner why choose to stay?
