Everything is just not right today. I feel like I just want to be perfectly naive for the rest of my life hence I will never be hurt, and I'll never be paranoid in such small things that are happening but still, I need to be aware on what is around me though it hurts much more, I need to, in order not to look stupid or a fool to everyone or anyone who's around me. My eyes have seen too much ugly, I've been a part of it, and even one of it, but I learned. Therefore I'm not the same as I was before, It made me set myself for the better and vice versa. And that is, I LEARNED IT & I LEARNED FROM IT. It's never going to remain good. Nobody gets out of this life perfectly.
Everyone is getting inside of me, helping me pull down much more than I am now, yet no one really was. I was fighting. It was like back when, when I was hospitalized and in a need to go to the Emergency Room, and the reason was hyperventilation cause of alcohol. I felt like every alcohol I drank was getting inside my head. Indeed it was a very intense moment for me. I felt like I was on drugs or something really really bad. My head instantly was floating out of nowhere and they're all attacking me. I was screaming on top of my lungs to leave me alone. It was a very dark experience for me. I was sooo strong, and then in just one glimpse I exploded. I felt like everyone was after me, yet no one was. I can feel the ciggars and the alcohol float inside my head through my tongue then down my heart. No one was there but I feel like it, and it hurts me that it's happening again. Not due to any addiction that I mention but this time it's mentally. As I said awhile ago, I felt like everyone was after me, now that I've turned weak there ready to get me, but no one was there. I thought I was trying to fight them back but all I was fighting back was myself, and then It hits me, the most tragic one that happened. I fell. My weakness, the moment I felt it from you I knew you'll be the closest to being close. I fell and it made me weak. I cannot be happy, I felt like I wasn't born to be happy. I was always the stubborn, alone, miserable one. and the word happiness was a real new thing for me. I'm afraid of having that kind of feeling because in the end of the day, when it turns night, everything will turn back to darkness & emptiness. I wasn't used to happiness and I'm scared that it will be my weakness. Now that I fell, It went the opposite way. Weakness came and weakness brings me happiness, and now I'm struggling between it. As I try to fight back to the people who hurt me, I thought I still have someone to hold onto, I thought everything was still it was. Until it suddenly stabbed and hit me and I realized I lost everything. Every single thing. For all those years, the girl who had everything that is special to her, that build her up as that kind of person turns to darkness and sorrow that made her a whole new person. Happy yet weak. Smart but still naive. Strong yet lost.
Stop helping me, because all it does was hurting. In the end everything will be fucked up as always like it was before.
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