This is the time where I'm in a need to scream on top of freakin' lungs "I HATE MY LIFE AND I WANT TO DIE!".
but then again I don't really mean what I want to say and so does others. When we say these words we tend to think of running away and just stayin' in one beautiful peaceful place but then we'll come back again to reality.
I don't want to die. I just wanted to go to a captivating place and just stay there; then come back again. Just like when you die;; but the only difference is that there's no coming back, you can't change tracks
Being a senior is quite harder than I thought it would be.
That's all I could possibly say right now; I'm changing things up today.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
No pictures today. I'm extremely tired for pete sake!
Di you find it really annoying how everything seems to be the same?
Wala naman, napansin lang ng utak kong lasag na kakapuyat mag-isa at nag-eemo sa loob ng tukador.
Pare-Pareho nalang ang nangyayare sa buhay ko;; wala ng thrill sa dulo ng tinggel. Sigh.
Nga pala, Naalala ko ang aking ama na nakasama ko nung isang araw. Haha! Wala naman;; Nakumpisal na naman ako ni pader. It's really nice talkin' to a man like him. He's way too open for things and that's what I loved about him. He always remind me of a guy I know which is really weird.
* * * * * * *
Teka, naalala ko yung dapat na topic ng blog na to.
Ayun! tumunog ang tamod! at naalala ko nadin.
>_<
Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung paano ako naging isip bata o immature. Hindi talaga. Hindeee! *with tears and pagdadabog pa*
Just because I'm havin' fun doesn't mean I'm immature naman mamen. Yung mga sinasabi naman nilang mature yung tipong walang kaliga-ligaya sa katawan. Tipong lageng nagkukulong sa ilalim ng kama at nagsasalsal mag-isa. Samahan mo pa ng may lablayp. Takte. Try ko kayang magkalablayp baka sakaling masabihan ako ng mature. Pero ano ba;; Nakakatamad naman at hindi ko ata kakayanin ang mga "I love you po" "Tc lage. Mahal po kita bhie!" Moments na ganun. Nakakatanggal lalo ng dugo mga usapang ganon eh. Pero ewan. Ayokong magsalita ng tapos kasi mamaya makikita nio nalang ako na nakakandong sa lalake at nakikipag "AY LABYUHAN" na!
Wala naman, napansin lang ng utak kong lasag na kakapuyat mag-isa at nag-eemo sa loob ng tukador.
Pare-Pareho nalang ang nangyayare sa buhay ko;; wala ng thrill sa dulo ng tinggel. Sigh.
Nga pala, Naalala ko ang aking ama na nakasama ko nung isang araw. Haha! Wala naman;; Nakumpisal na naman ako ni pader. It's really nice talkin' to a man like him. He's way too open for things and that's what I loved about him. He always remind me of a guy I know which is really weird.
* * * * * * *
Teka, naalala ko yung dapat na topic ng blog na to.
Ayun! tumunog ang tamod! at naalala ko nadin.
>_<
Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung paano ako naging isip bata o immature. Hindi talaga. Hindeee! *with tears and pagdadabog pa*
Just because I'm havin' fun doesn't mean I'm immature naman mamen. Yung mga sinasabi naman nilang mature yung tipong walang kaliga-ligaya sa katawan. Tipong lageng nagkukulong sa ilalim ng kama at nagsasalsal mag-isa. Samahan mo pa ng may lablayp. Takte. Try ko kayang magkalablayp baka sakaling masabihan ako ng mature. Pero ano ba;; Nakakatamad naman at hindi ko ata kakayanin ang mga "I love you po" "Tc lage. Mahal po kita bhie!" Moments na ganun. Nakakatanggal lalo ng dugo mga usapang ganon eh. Pero ewan. Ayokong magsalita ng tapos kasi mamaya makikita nio nalang ako na nakakandong sa lalake at nakikipag "AY LABYUHAN" na!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Get your things and lose your way. For you. For the crushing. For the last days of hell. I will not be in this corner once again.
Please make me fall for you, So I'll be missing you so much that I'll badly want to go to school everyday.
Even on Saturdays and Sundays.
I wanna grow old with you. :) FLOP! Si manay nangarap na naman.
Even on Saturdays and Sundays.
I wanna grow old with you. :) FLOP! Si manay nangarap na naman.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Delayed post; Internet is not working in our house. Stupid Storm!
It's been a sad day for me.
I hate the fact that we don't have classes for almost a week. Everything seems to be moving so fast.
I don't know which to believe in, I keep on trying to believe you but this just makes me look much dumber than I was before.
When will we ever learn. Maybe I'm in a need to let this all go but how could I, when this all happened again and now my biggest fear
is eventually happening right now.
This just makes it worst.
You said you'll respect me, what just happened? I'm tired of this, it's not just you; it's everything that's happening around me.
Everything seems to be blurry to me and I cannot face the next day with this feeling.
I was in a complete shock, and now I can't remember where it all started, It was all blackout that all i can remember is that
i hugged you. It was so weird hugging you again. For a second I felt secure; I tried to rearrange things up in my head for one
moment, That it was all real. but then I went back to reality and it all came back to darkness and the "I don't care
I just hate you" attitude. I tried to cry myself, I tried to do everything for you to see how hurt I was and now I can't remember
anything but all I know is that It's all nothing to you.
Maybe someday I when I look back at the past I'll laugh about this someday; but today is not that day. I'm done changing,
and this time this just need to end.
Things changed.. they do.
and so does hearts too, hope you'll see what you missed out someday.
How she had the world of chances & you just burned it through.
NIGHT 'oX
I hate the fact that we don't have classes for almost a week. Everything seems to be moving so fast.
I don't know which to believe in, I keep on trying to believe you but this just makes me look much dumber than I was before.
When will we ever learn. Maybe I'm in a need to let this all go but how could I, when this all happened again and now my biggest fear
is eventually happening right now.
This just makes it worst.
You said you'll respect me, what just happened? I'm tired of this, it's not just you; it's everything that's happening around me.
Everything seems to be blurry to me and I cannot face the next day with this feeling.
I was in a complete shock, and now I can't remember where it all started, It was all blackout that all i can remember is that
i hugged you. It was so weird hugging you again. For a second I felt secure; I tried to rearrange things up in my head for one
moment, That it was all real. but then I went back to reality and it all came back to darkness and the "I don't care
I just hate you" attitude. I tried to cry myself, I tried to do everything for you to see how hurt I was and now I can't remember
anything but all I know is that It's all nothing to you.
Maybe someday I when I look back at the past I'll laugh about this someday; but today is not that day. I'm done changing,
and this time this just need to end.
Things changed.. they do.
and so does hearts too, hope you'll see what you missed out someday.
How she had the world of chances & you just burned it through.
NIGHT 'oX
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Cause you've been nighttiming baby; It started to show and it's out of control.
SURVEY
[ ] I am a boy.
[x] I am a girl.
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[x]I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I wear glasses. (sometimes)
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercing in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles
Family/Home Life
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[x] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I’ve lost a child.
School/Work
[x] I’m in school
[ ] I have a job
[x] I’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do/did my homework.
[x] I’ve missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I’ve been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[x] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I’ve stolen something from my job.
Embarrassment
[x] I’ve slipped out an “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry. (classic ones only)
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing. (everytime)
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something.
[x] I’ve had my pants rip in public
Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment
[ ] I’ve gotten stitches/staples.
[ ] I’ve broken a bone.
[ ] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
[x] I’ve sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[ ] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I had a serious surgery.
[ ] I’ve had chicken pox.
[ ] I’ve had measles
Experiences
[x] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star
[ ] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ ] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I’ve been to a casino.
[ ] I’ve been skydiving.
[x] I’ve gone skinny dipping.
[x] I’ve played spin the bottle. (duh. everyday at the canteen ;] )
[x] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I’ve crashed a car.
[ ] I’ve been skiing.
[x] I’ve been in a play.
[ ] I’ve met someone in person from Myspace.
[ ] I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I’ve seen the Northern lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I’ve played chicken.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone
[x] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I’ve eaten sushi.
[ ] I’ve been snowboarding.
Relationships
[x] I’m single
[ ] I’m in a relationship
[ ] I’m engaged.
[ ] I’m married.
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[ ] I’ve been the dumped more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced.
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[ ] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.
[ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I’ve been kissed in the rain. (I wish)
[ ] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.
Honesty/Crime
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[ ] I’ve run a red light.
[x] I’ve been suspended from school.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[x] I’ve been in a fist fight.
[ ] I’ve been arrested.
Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs. (my dad)
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Nordstrom.
[x] I collect comic books. (but I have a collection..)
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
Random
[x] I can sing well. (use to)
[ ] I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don’t kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[ ] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I’m a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair
[ ] I have “x”s in my screen name.
[ ] I love being neat.
[ ] I love Spam.
[ ] I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day
[ ] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun
[ ] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[ ] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[x] I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate.
[ ] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games. (back when)
[ ] I’m good at remembering names.
[ ] I’m good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Way to fill this boredom.
[ ] I am a boy.
[x] I am a girl.
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[x]I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I wear glasses. (sometimes)
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercing in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles
Family/Home Life
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[x] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I’ve lost a child.
School/Work
[x] I’m in school
[ ] I have a job
[x] I’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do/did my homework.
[x] I’ve missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I’ve been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[x] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I’ve stolen something from my job.
Embarrassment
[x] I’ve slipped out an “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry. (classic ones only)
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing. (everytime)
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something.
[x] I’ve had my pants rip in public
Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment
[ ] I’ve gotten stitches/staples.
[ ] I’ve broken a bone.
[ ] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
[x] I’ve sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[ ] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I had a serious surgery.
[ ] I’ve had chicken pox.
[ ] I’ve had measles
Experiences
[x] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star
[ ] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ ] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I’ve been to a casino.
[ ] I’ve been skydiving.
[x] I’ve gone skinny dipping.
[x] I’ve played spin the bottle. (duh. everyday at the canteen ;] )
[x] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I’ve crashed a car.
[ ] I’ve been skiing.
[x] I’ve been in a play.
[ ] I’ve met someone in person from Myspace.
[ ] I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I’ve seen the Northern lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I’ve played chicken.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone
[x] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I’ve eaten sushi.
[ ] I’ve been snowboarding.
Relationships
[x] I’m single
[ ] I’m in a relationship
[ ] I’m engaged.
[ ] I’m married.
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[ ] I’ve been the dumped more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced.
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[ ] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.
[ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I’ve been kissed in the rain. (I wish)
[ ] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.
Honesty/Crime
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[ ] I’ve run a red light.
[x] I’ve been suspended from school.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[x] I’ve been in a fist fight.
[ ] I’ve been arrested.
Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs. (my dad)
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Nordstrom.
[x] I collect comic books. (but I have a collection..)
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
Random
[x] I can sing well. (use to)
[ ] I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don’t kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[ ] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I’m a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair
[ ] I have “x”s in my screen name.
[ ] I love being neat.
[ ] I love Spam.
[ ] I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day
[ ] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun
[ ] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[ ] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[x] I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate.
[ ] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games. (back when)
[ ] I’m good at remembering names.
[ ] I’m good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Way to fill this boredom.
Amateurinbeingmature.
Today I was watching this clip of clothing line and I badly want to buy clothes today and some new pair of shoes. Then things popped inside my mind saying "Oh wait. I forgot. There's a storm toady" and "I need to save money for my room and the party that I will celebrate." and "Oh shit. I'm still hungry. I hope my moms gonna bring foods today."
I almost forgot that I need to save money because I'm trying to be organize and mature like I said, and this is harder than I thought. I was always use to; If I want something I'll just ask it to my mum; but right now I can't; My bedroom is now under construction and I need to save money for the blessing for it; which means I need to save all the money that my mum is giving to me everytime I go to school like every other normal teenagers and students do. I don't have a job, apparently & I'm still to young to have one, and what do i know? I don't even know how to wash the dishes or cook, Oh don't even get there. The point is: Yes, I still can get or shop some stuffs and get allowance from my mum like I always do but right now I'm trying to be a mature young lady for the future. I mean I'm already going to graduate (Class of '10). So even though It's a rough time; I'm still going to do this.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Some days I love you, Others I want to stab you with my eyeliner.
Isn't it weird that I could just stare at this blog for a whole damn hour & still can't think of something to put in it? There are so many uttered words I need to scream but the words just won't come out. I've been thinking of so many things I need do say but they'restill not yet done; I just need some time to think. Give me a minute and let me take a big sigh.
Things that I've been thinking to do or say:
-I badly want to have a coffee today just to take this thing that keep on bugging me.
-Using big words in sentence doesn't mean your smart; It just show how ignorant you can be. div>
-I need to go and take my bike away with me today; maybe when the sun rise and listen to "Put your records on by Corine"
-Buy a new bag, high waste skirt, bracelets, ciggarettes, wide shirt screaming I love NY, tights, new rubber shoes, cool glasses & a flat iron.,
-Smoke this 2 vogue cigars lefy in my bag; but oh so afraid of losing my voice more.
-Finishing this new song I did called "I must do nothin" and add abit of piano middle way the ending of chorus and some ukulele and a tamborine.
-Thinking of kissing someone at the beach while taking a polaroid shot of it.
-Getting a Ramones shirt.
-About to study later for the big test tomorrow.(I know it's weird hearing me say that)
-Go and have a very nice nighttiming drive at the city lights while drinking this chamagne casanova.
-Buying a black bikini.
-Secret passion; Dancing.
-Get a dog.
-Get myself a new pair of pajamas for bed.
-Sleep tonight.
It's funny how I started as if I couldn't even type anything in here turns out into something. Just like in real life how I always think I couldn't say anything next thing I knew I've been blabbing all day that nobody listens to me anymore.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Walk around the house like a freakin' champion.
Sometimes I just can't explain how I really feel so I make videos; If I had a better digicam I'd probably document every single good & bad thing that happened in my life. I'm obviously being speechless at the moment & still can't believe that I'm about to go to college.
I'm about to spend the bestest time with them as possible and I have been trying to correct all the wrong things I've done from the start (It's not really that hard; if you really want it but sometimes it gets a little rough.)
I got 2 more days to study for the exam, and good lord! willgel has my glossary paper for physics and I have nothing to study so I'll start with other lessons. >__<
For the past 1 hour I've been listening to disney classic songs; try to listen to "We Are One by Lion King 2" please do. It's one captivating song, pure legend. It makes me feel so empowered and proud; it so powerful and yet peaceful at the same time. For some reason it reminds me of my dad. I wish disney will still release this kind of songs, movies. Disney is being selfish lately, there only using other's fame to make money and just make another lame movie like movies right now with popular celebrities in it.
Ergh. I just realize I'm a big sucker for disney classics. Probably because of remembering my childhood life.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Greatest Story Ever Told.
A video that I made for my friends; It took me 3 hours to upload it on youtube, but it got copyrighted. So I uploaded it on megavideo.
You guys were a big part of my journey.
http://www.megavideo.com/?v=ENORKQC9 <-- Link to the video if it's not workin.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Sept. 09 2009 "And I thank while I curse, My Saviour"
I cry; I've felt sad; I got "help". But its still there. I used to let everyone believe it's ok but it's not. It's a roller coaster. you slowly start to feel better and then all of a sudden you crash again... then it starts all over.
I have done too many scars; I know It will still heal, If i help myself but this time I just can't. It's been ALOT. I know I'm being selfish, but so are they. Nobody really knew what's going on in me, it's not about you, it's about ME. Nobody knows how I struggle everyday. I still can't explain it.
I've been here before and I've seen it all, I know it's going to cause too much misery but I guess misery and me just get along. I need to find myself for awhile, just give me a chance to do it.
They say they dont know when but I know a day is going to come. When there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun and it will just go black. It will just go back to the way it was before, and I need to find myself again to get to that door to see the life I use to live. You we're all a big part of my life, you were all important to me, but you just have to let this one go for a moment; I can't play and just pretend like everything's coming out naturally. I don't want to lie to everyone especially to myself.
If I keep going, the more It's never going to heal. I need to look for myself back where I started.
I know it's not right, to walk on the other direction but it's hard to change if I'm halfway through it.
"I don't want much, just to be free from this pain, this fear. I wish people didn't judge, I'm not 'weak'! I just can't 'pull myself together!' I wish it were that easy. I wish they understand, How it's hard to be me."
I have done too many scars; I know It will still heal, If i help myself but this time I just can't. It's been ALOT. I know I'm being selfish, but so are they. Nobody really knew what's going on in me, it's not about you, it's about ME. Nobody knows how I struggle everyday. I still can't explain it.
I've been here before and I've seen it all, I know it's going to cause too much misery but I guess misery and me just get along. I need to find myself for awhile, just give me a chance to do it.
They say they dont know when but I know a day is going to come. When there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun and it will just go black. It will just go back to the way it was before, and I need to find myself again to get to that door to see the life I use to live. You we're all a big part of my life, you were all important to me, but you just have to let this one go for a moment; I can't play and just pretend like everything's coming out naturally. I don't want to lie to everyone especially to myself.
If I keep going, the more It's never going to heal. I need to look for myself back where I started.
I know it's not right, to walk on the other direction but it's hard to change if I'm halfway through it.
"I don't want much, just to be free from this pain, this fear. I wish people didn't judge, I'm not 'weak'! I just can't 'pull myself together!' I wish it were that easy. I wish they understand, How it's hard to be me."
Friday, August 21, 2009
parole vuote. lo amo.
It's been quite awhile; I thought it will happen, I thought I'll have the courage to do such a thing but It's almost been a year and nothing seems to happen. This words still need to set free but it doesn't matter anyway, It didn't really matter from the first day. In the first half of the plot; it definitely brought so much change. You build up a beautiful wreck in my life, like an old dusty picture reincarnated again and built with a frame to hold onto. You built a strong esteem in me before the breaking and falling of the frame hence I shall thank you for that. Though I still have the picture with me, and I know I have a very small chance to prove that we can still fix that frame of yours know that we're all moving onto our new lives. We were both protagonist of the plot, it's just that destinty seems to be the villaine of our story and I can't make you change what you really feel; I don't know if this might take forever but I will never forget it.
Who am I to say those words, This could be something to do with you but I'd rather keep it to myself and leave the gaps between us than filling it up with my blood. You may have a bad memory, and maybe so do I, but I remember every single time we say goodbye. Goodbyes that hurt me every single time and made me think that life is way too unfair, but then I think deeper and made me realize that maybe it's destiny that made us fall apart, and maybe it's just your heart. and maybe those words need to be keep inside a bottle along with the picture and thrown away in a sea full of hatred, yet there's always a "YET' in every harsh things I say, because the truth is I can't let it go each and every day.
(Kudos for you for finding out this ones for you, but It's not like you'll ever find it but If you do I hope this might leave you a smile through you face, because this is the part where I'll say how much I do care for you)
Monday, August 17, 2009
Thank you.
Everything is abit upside down for me; How I'm acting lately.
For the times I have dissapointed you. You gave your everything and I have done nothing. It's not too late; I know. but It may take a lifetime for me to forgive myself.
For the times I have dissapointed you. You gave your everything and I have done nothing. It's not too late; I know. but It may take a lifetime for me to forgive myself.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Classics.
I use to do this, and now I still know how.
Back when I was in 2nd grade me, charlyine & michael always do this. Until we got scold by the teacher.
We use this on our cheerleading song when I was in grade 5. We remixed it. Grabee, sobrang kapagod yun eh. I was a cheerleader since grade 4 to 6. Nung nag H.S. wala na, tinamad na.
Imagine? This was around gr.5 and now I'm in my Senior days. WOOOOW. I feel so old, gawsh. I need to go back in my grade school days.
Voltes 5, Sineskwela (Sp), DragonBallZ, Wansapanataym.
I can still remember alooot of songs, movies, shows, moments back when. Hahah.
Its amazing that just one blinked of an eye all of a sudden your already growing up next thing you knew you already grew up.
Back when I was in 2nd grade me, charlyine & michael always do this. Until we got scold by the teacher.
We use this on our cheerleading song when I was in grade 5. We remixed it. Grabee, sobrang kapagod yun eh. I was a cheerleader since grade 4 to 6. Nung nag H.S. wala na, tinamad na.
Imagine? This was around gr.5 and now I'm in my Senior days. WOOOOW. I feel so old, gawsh. I need to go back in my grade school days.
Voltes 5, Sineskwela (Sp), DragonBallZ, Wansapanataym.
I can still remember alooot of songs, movies, shows, moments back when. Hahah.
Its amazing that just one blinked of an eye all of a sudden your already growing up next thing you knew you already grew up.
He is not, but he is today.
I miss this kid, sigh. Everyday was a holiday when she was here. She always wanted me as a sister and vice versa, Though she's abit of a pest, She's still amazing to be with.By the way;Ariel I know you'll be reading this. ;)
Thanks for the letter you sent me babygirl! :) I'll try to write a letter soon If I have some time.
It's been a very long time since I did a blog here. Lately I've been using twitter as my little blog.
http://twitter.com/sweetthangxx Might want to follow me. I was listening to Only Human by Diana Lorden last week & I cried; I hate to say this but I really do miss homeschooling. I know you'll think why would I miss that or Homeschooling is very boring, How did she survived and wants to got back? It's because there's no judgemental people, No need to follow anyone, It's all about you, It's all about your rules. When I came back on doing normal schooling I thought it will boost my self-esteem but I guess it only made it worse. You know when you feel as if your giving your 100% and people will not care or worse; They'll joke about it & just laugh (typical ignorant filipino) but I guess I just have to get use to this routine I have; Though sometimes it really makes me sad but that's just the bite of reality. I need to be socialize with people same year of age as I am and indeed I did liked and hated it at the same time. I get to talk and laugh with different people, but the thing is Trust is really hard to give to someone. Especially nowadays.
Many things had happen lately, I've been out to different places and stuffs & I don't think I can name them all and what I did there but I wrote a NEW song. (I don't even know how I got there) =]] It was written long ago, last summer. I only finished it today, I found it under my bags and redo it all over again. I hate how boring this song is but I do hate half of the songs I wrote, So nothing has changed. It's abit personal but this was along time ago thing so I just placed my back in the day self when I was writing this. Here is it:
Anonymous YET
Era
Verse I:
My state of mind is getting clear
but now im losing hope 'cause I know your not here
Losing direction from the pain you gave to me,
oh dear.
Refrain:
I can see the lust inside those eyes.
lies and misery on the outside.
Chorus:
Clear up the lies that you told
Clear up the stories that you fold.
Cant you see?
That I'm breaking to pieces oh baby.
Clear up the things that you said
Clear up the fake things that you made
Day by Day.
Verse II:
And when the night is getting darker
As we linger here in the dark i'm findin the words to say
but the words kept sliping down away.
Now I still remember
All the things that we did back in december
You kissed me with those open eyes
Theres so many things that you have hide to me,
Oh dear.
Refrain:
'Coz I can see the lust inside those eyes
Lies and misery on the outside.
Chorus:
Clear up the lies that you told
Clear up the stories that you fold
Cant you see? that I'm breaking to pieces oh baby.
Clear up the things that you said
Clear up the fake things that you made
day by day.
Bridge:
You said that you've changed
You said you'd behave
but your still the same old jerk I use to know
You told me past is the past
You told me that it wouldnt last
but tell me why you havent clear that.
Chorus:
Clear up the lies you told me
Clear up the devil whose with me
Cant you see? that I'm breaking to pieces oh baby
Clear up the things that you said
Clear up the fake things that you made
Cant you see that I'm breaking, Im breaking here baby
Clear up the lies that you told
Clear up the stories that you fold
day by day.
Da da da da.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Typo.
HAHA. I was reading all my blogs, and I just realized I have so many typos. I didnt mean to do it, but whenever I type it, its different from what I was really thinking. Maybe because I'm always stress. IDK. >_____<
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
From a daughters point of view.
Lately I've been listening to Father & Son by one of my favorite singers Cat Steven. Tears came rolling down my eyes, I remember how my dad wanted me to learn to play this song on the guitar but I always hesitate to do it. I was ignorant, I was young. I never knew anything going on.
I know it's not your fault what we are right now, people aren't perfect. People change there minds. I know, I understand things. I learned that weren't suppose to be like that forever.
You were both wrong, You were young you didn't know anything yet back when, but I'm happy what I am right know. I know you still love me, Its just that things need to be changed, Its hard but thats just life. Thats how things suppose to go.
I perfectly understand it, Nobody's perfect. Maybe someday I will do much more stupid things than you.
I know your in the most tough time of your life right now, Nobody knows that. People just see the fault you did.
People say I need to be angry to you.
What was I suppose to do? Listen to them? Rebel on things, Rebel on how broken things are.
Its really not easy, but I have to get through this. Its just one hard time in life but it will always help me to be tough in life. We all have ups and downs.
I was once dissapointed but thats ok, it's all good but sometimes I still cry. I cant rewind time & thats it. Maybe we're not suppose to be like that forever.
All i wanted to say is THANK YOU
Thank you for the love you gave me, for teaching me about Life.
Forgive and Forget.
=,)
Its all good.
I know it's not your fault what we are right now, people aren't perfect. People change there minds. I know, I understand things. I learned that weren't suppose to be like that forever.
You were both wrong, You were young you didn't know anything yet back when, but I'm happy what I am right know. I know you still love me, Its just that things need to be changed, Its hard but thats just life. Thats how things suppose to go.
I perfectly understand it, Nobody's perfect. Maybe someday I will do much more stupid things than you.
I know your in the most tough time of your life right now, Nobody knows that. People just see the fault you did.
People say I need to be angry to you.
What was I suppose to do? Listen to them? Rebel on things, Rebel on how broken things are.
Its really not easy, but I have to get through this. Its just one hard time in life but it will always help me to be tough in life. We all have ups and downs.
I was once dissapointed but thats ok, it's all good but sometimes I still cry. I cant rewind time & thats it. Maybe we're not suppose to be like that forever.
All i wanted to say is THANK YOU
Thank you for the love you gave me, for teaching me about Life.
Forgive and Forget.
=,)
Its all good.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
First walk again.
I can't do it.
Why can't I just grow up, I know I need help.
When will I ever stand on my own, I hate this place.
Why are people so cruel? This world is getting very depressing as life goes by.
Well it is true. All good things always have to come to and end.
I can't take much more responsibilities yet. I can't even go outside maybe go shopping alone. Back in the day I can, but after what happened, not anymore.
I'm scared on what's gonna happen next. Lide is just so impossible! I want to deal with people but not today nor tomorrow. I can't take how people criticize others. It's just too much! Why do people bring other people down when they're already on the ground. Yes, indeed. It is very sad.
And maybe those who see this blog [if there are?] will think I post too much crap. I post too much sad moments.
But this year has been very sad too me.
I have changed but sometimes it doesn't show. I don't really know why. I can fake my happiness and people still not might see it 'cause I'm the happy one, But I have the most akward eyes you'll see. You can pretty much see that sadness when you look at it.
I'm not here too whine about my problems, I just want to get this things out even it's 12 AM and I haven't been sleeping for 2 days already. And even though nobody's really listening.
>_____________<
Why can't I just grow up, I know I need help.
When will I ever stand on my own, I hate this place.
Why are people so cruel? This world is getting very depressing as life goes by.
Well it is true. All good things always have to come to and end.
I can't take much more responsibilities yet. I can't even go outside maybe go shopping alone. Back in the day I can, but after what happened, not anymore.
I'm scared on what's gonna happen next. Lide is just so impossible! I want to deal with people but not today nor tomorrow. I can't take how people criticize others. It's just too much! Why do people bring other people down when they're already on the ground. Yes, indeed. It is very sad.
And maybe those who see this blog [if there are?] will think I post too much crap. I post too much sad moments.
But this year has been very sad too me.
I have changed but sometimes it doesn't show. I don't really know why. I can fake my happiness and people still not might see it 'cause I'm the happy one, But I have the most akward eyes you'll see. You can pretty much see that sadness when you look at it.
I'm not here too whine about my problems, I just want to get this things out even it's 12 AM and I haven't been sleeping for 2 days already. And even though nobody's really listening.
>_____________<
Thursday, April 23, 2009
My dear friend.
I know you feel the pressure.
Why do you want yourself to look so bad, Why do you keep on rebelling.
Is this what you want to remember after years?
Do you want us to see the difference after you turned out to be that person
you've been thinking you'll be after this.
Slow it down, You crazy child & be a kid for awhile. I was going to help you sort this out, but I guess things need to come to an end just like us.
After those things you have said to them about me; but I guess you wanted attention, so fabricated the situation, Your a very sad boy. You really wanted people to hate you so much, But you know what? I understand you.
Stop the misery and stop trying so hard to establish yourself as your own person, and yet your not even quite sure who you really are.
Your try so hard to see yourself as a man already but the lack of your patience and immaturity will lead you knower.
But why am I saying this? I'm sorry for offending you (If ever you do read this, which is not going to happen)
& I'm sorry for judging the life that you are in right now, But I can't help it.
Somehow I was a part of it, for a moment.
You think to yourself that I'm just another crazy girl trying to get in your life because you've heard this things before, But did ever condidered doing it? Did you ever considered changing? Maybe. But did you do it for your own good, or for someone you really love.
But i know
YOUR A GOOD PERSON, YOUR JUST AFRAID TO SHOW IT.
I'll pray for you, You are loved.
Always remember that.
Everything happens for a reason, Maybe God has something good set for you.
You just need to wait.
GOD BLESS YOU MY FRIEND.
Why do you want yourself to look so bad, Why do you keep on rebelling.
Is this what you want to remember after years?
Do you want us to see the difference after you turned out to be that person
you've been thinking you'll be after this.
Slow it down, You crazy child & be a kid for awhile. I was going to help you sort this out, but I guess things need to come to an end just like us.
After those things you have said to them about me; but I guess you wanted attention, so fabricated the situation, Your a very sad boy. You really wanted people to hate you so much, But you know what? I understand you.
Stop the misery and stop trying so hard to establish yourself as your own person, and yet your not even quite sure who you really are.
Your try so hard to see yourself as a man already but the lack of your patience and immaturity will lead you knower.
But why am I saying this? I'm sorry for offending you (If ever you do read this, which is not going to happen)
& I'm sorry for judging the life that you are in right now, But I can't help it.
Somehow I was a part of it, for a moment.
You think to yourself that I'm just another crazy girl trying to get in your life because you've heard this things before, But did ever condidered doing it? Did you ever considered changing? Maybe. But did you do it for your own good, or for someone you really love.
But i know
YOUR A GOOD PERSON, YOUR JUST AFRAID TO SHOW IT.
I'll pray for you, You are loved.
Always remember that.
Everything happens for a reason, Maybe God has something good set for you.
You just need to wait.
GOD BLESS YOU MY FRIEND.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Growin up.
Today is 3:38 AM, Insomnia attack. I was watching We are one by The lion king 2 and then I moved to Prince of Egypt [AH. Never get tired of the movie] I just want to share that movie made me cry when I was young, & It made me feel the presence of The Lord, & The need to change myself for the better but It's really hard. When you deal with people who are so detached with the bad side. I was a kid, what do I know.
One thing I should have remember was to
Resist the devil, and he shall flee from you.
Lost
Little girl
Stop for a while.
Your so ahead than the speed of time.
You keep on movin' faster than the speed of light.
You think your doing it right,
But you don't even know yourself deep inside.
I know your lost in this time,
Your trying to live your life.
But your taking it in the wrong directions,
Come back from where you really started
and Leave the darkness behind.
Keep your patience up, Live you own dream
and not others.
Stop dreaming too much,
When you don't even try.
Can't you see,
You can't have everything at the same time.
Just remember
That God is just beside you.
You left him but never did he left you.
One thing I should have remember was to
Resist the devil, and he shall flee from you.
Lost
Little girl
Stop for a while.
Your so ahead than the speed of time.
You keep on movin' faster than the speed of light.
You think your doing it right,
But you don't even know yourself deep inside.
I know your lost in this time,
Your trying to live your life.
But your taking it in the wrong directions,
Come back from where you really started
and Leave the darkness behind.
Keep your patience up, Live you own dream
and not others.
Stop dreaming too much,
When you don't even try.
Can't you see,
You can't have everything at the same time.
Just remember
That God is just beside you.
You left him but never did he left you.
Friday, April 17, 2009
I learned a new lesson.
Today is a wonderful stressing day.
All this time I was trying to hard to cope & find myself, I felt like I was lost in this dream in an infinite cold place.
But now I finaly woke up, & felt so blessed, not cursed with this life I have. Although it’s not as good as it is back when, but i realized that’s just how life goes. People do come and go, People change.
I know I can face the next day. and the next and the next because God is with me the whole time along, with all the struggles.
Just a little story I have to share. I feel like growing up & stressed. I still haven’t sleep yet just so you know.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never
come to an end; they are new every morning. - Lamentations 3:22-23
God bless and have a wonderful day! x
All this time I was trying to hard to cope & find myself, I felt like I was lost in this dream in an infinite cold place.
But now I finaly woke up, & felt so blessed, not cursed with this life I have. Although it’s not as good as it is back when, but i realized that’s just how life goes. People do come and go, People change.
I know I can face the next day. and the next and the next because God is with me the whole time along, with all the struggles.
Just a little story I have to share. I feel like growing up & stressed. I still haven’t sleep yet just so you know.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never
come to an end; they are new every morning. - Lamentations 3:22-23
God bless and have a wonderful day! x
The innocence or The ignorance?
Damn.
I remember those days, How innocent I was that I was so ignorant, If you know what I mean. Only a few months later, You’ll look back and think. “Oh for god sake! Was I really that dumb not to realize & say that?! Was i really that ignorant?” But yeah, I was & I did. Sometimes I really want to change it but I can’t.
I miss the innocence and ignorance that i had.
I still have the innocence in me, but my eyes have seen too much ugly.
I remember those days, How innocent I was that I was so ignorant, If you know what I mean. Only a few months later, You’ll look back and think. “Oh for god sake! Was I really that dumb not to realize & say that?! Was i really that ignorant?” But yeah, I was & I did. Sometimes I really want to change it but I can’t.
I miss the innocence and ignorance that i had.
I still have the innocence in me, but my eyes have seen too much ugly.
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